Low self-esteem often develops from a belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with us. At the center of this belief is often shame.

Researcher Brené Brown defines shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection." Few emotions are more painful because shame strikes at one of our most basic human needs: the need to belong.

As social beings, we are wired for connection. Throughout human history, survival depended on being part of a group. While the world has changed, our brains still respond to rejection, criticism, and exclusion as though something important is at stake. When we feel ashamed, it can seem dangerous to let others see who we really are.

As a result, many people try to hide their shame by becoming more self-critical, working harder, achieving more, or holding themselves to impossibly high standards. The logic makes sense: if I can avoid mistakes, avoid failure, or become "good enough," then no one will discover what's wrong with me.

Unfortunately, this strategy rarely works for long. The standards continue to rise, mistakes remain inevitable, and self-criticism often strengthens the very shame it is trying to eliminate.

Therapy can help you understand where these beliefs came from and how they continue to operate in your life today. Over time, many people learn to replace harsh self-judgment with a more balanced and compassionate perspective. If the idea of self-compassion makes you roll your eyes or immediately dismiss it, you're not alone. In fact, many of the people I work with feel exactly the same way when they begin therapy.

Definitions of anxiety and overwhelm adapted from Brené Brown’s Atlas of the Heart.

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